7 July 2006 DEAR MIRIAM: LETTER OF THE DAY - MY GAY LOVER WANTS NO SEX Dr. Miriam Stoppard ... DEAR MIRIAM: LETTER OF THE DAY -

I haven't put pressure on him to have sex but I don't understand what's wrong with him. He has confessed to having several one-night stands so he's not sexually inexperienced.

I don't just want sex from him. We have a lot in common. We're both designers and passionate about our jobs and neither of us is very comfortable in gay clubs or bars. We prefer to chill out at home with a bottle of wine and a DVD.

Many people have one-night stands because they're drunk or because they're frightened of letting someone get close to them. In general, the odds aren't very good for a serious relationship to emerge from a one-night stand.

Something else to consider: You're comfortable with your sexuality but he might be less so. Some people accept themselves as gay but can't instantly embrace the sexual aspects that come along with it.

Begin by establishing lines of communication which are open and truthful. Let him know how you feel and reassure him you understand if he has fears and issues when it comes to sex.

Perhaps you can gently encourage him to push his own limits and hug you? This would be one step in the direction of being more affectionate and may not send him into a panic. And it's not all bad. By not having sex, you can find out how he responds to you in nonsexual ways and so far, so good.

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